I used to tell people jokingly that our house just happened to be in my garden. This is no longer a laughing matter though as I enter into that next phase of deciding what to do with my life and my belongings—even the green ones.
Yes, divorce takes time. I see that now. It's not like I will wake up tomorrow and the instant nearly overnight beauty of the mature Japanese maple and some choice tulips will be what my life will look like. I think my current new growth will take some time.
As I grow I will observe, and not judge. Like a gardener tending to a new plant, I will decide what kind of growing conditions are needed and I will watch and wait. If I need to be moved somewhere else to flourish, I will be moved.
Recently, as I've been walking around Portland I've been thinking about the similarities and differences I have with plants, and the activity has been more informative than I'd imagined it would be and so much more positive than several of the alternatives...
I won't grow at that rate though and I am alright with that.
I am part Italian after all and I do love to be a bit over the top at times.
Then there is a lot about me that needs to be looked at closely to be examined and I have to examine it regularly myself. Sadly this does make me a bit of a ruminator, but just so long as my illness stays in remission and I can take that ruminating behavior to the streets, it's not at all the issue it can become when I am required to be physically inactive due to my health problems.
I know this now and it is the teeny bit of green I'm currently proud to wear. (At least here I have seen growth—lots of it!)
Looking at my illness this way has been a relief. Honestly it has been because I think all of what I just wrote is very true for many of us living with chronic illness.
Sometimes I burst open at the seams a bit and explode like my Clematis did while I was in California. That's ok too I think, and maybe it makes me more common, and less likely to be as delicate as I sometimes think that I am.
This is at my core. These items will remain at my center. They are part of what identify me as who I am.
Lastly, to help me as I grow I will not miss out on my deepest and darkest of treats. There are many foods which I love, but my love of pommes frites with truffle oil, parmesan cheese, and squid ink aioli reaches such depths that I truly would be lost without them.
So yes, it's an in between phase for me. I am growing but it is slow and as I do so I am noting what characteristics define me and where I am best suited in the design of things. In all seriousness, thinking like this has been far more beneficial than any book or online posting I've read about the divorce process. I guess I really do just see things through nature and plants, and yes, I really do still believe that the house just happens to be in my garden.
I just don't know yet if I can grow here anymore.